


Love You But I'm Not In Love

by Fake_Ruby



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bisexual Sokka (Avatar), Bittersweet Ending, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Sokka/Suki (Avatar), Past Sokka/Yue (Avatar), Self-Harm, Unrequited Love, check notes for triggers, if you see me projecting onto sokka and zuko no you didn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fake_Ruby/pseuds/Fake_Ruby
Summary: Sokka rejects his best friend and it breaks both of their hearts, but they want to work together to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 109





	Love You But I'm Not In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist for this fic:
> 
> That's Not Us by Beatrice Eli  
> Explosion by Zolita  
> 4AM by Bastille  
> for him. by Troye Sivan
> 
> Trigger Warnings:
> 
> mentioned meals/food  
> mentioned past self harm  
> mentioned past suicide attempt  
> mentioned past murder  
> mentioned past child abuse  
> thoughts of self harm

It’s the summer after their sophomore year of college. They’re sitting on Zuko’s bed, Zuko’s feet in Sokka’s lap as he leans against the pillow, when it happens.

“I’m in love with you,” Zuko says.

“Uh. What?” Sokka replies, looking up from his phone. 

Zuko sets his phone to the side and removes his feet from Sokka’s lap. 

“I said I’m in love with you,” 

“Um, like, romantically?”

“Yes.”

Sokka gulps as he sets his own phone down and turns to face Zuko.

“Um, I don’t know what to say.”

Sokka can see Zuko’s shields go up. His face gets closed off and he crosses his arms.

“Well do you like me back?”

Sokka doesn’t respond, trying to think through how to respond.

“I guess that’s a no,” Zuko says, voice void of emotion. 

“I mean, you’re my best friend, of course I like you.”

“Right. But you’re not in love with me.”

“I- No.”

Zuko nods. The movement is quick and sharp. Sokka sees tears welling up in Zuko’s eyes and can feel his own vision getting blurry.

“I’m sorry,” Sokka says, voice cracking.

“It’s not your fault,” Zuko replies, looking away from Sokka.

“I wish I returned your feelings. I really do love you. You’re the most important person in my life and I care about you so deeply.”

Zuko takes a deep breath but doesn’t look at Sokka.

“But you don’t love me romantically.” It’s not a question. And Zuko’s voice wobbles as he says it.

“No. Not romantically.”

Zuko flinches slightly and Sokka reaches out toward him.

“No!” Zuko says. “Please don’t touch me. I- I just can’t handle it right now.”

“Okay, I understand,” Sokka says softly. “Do you want me to go?”

Zuko nods, staring at his own lap.

“Do you still want to be friends?”

Zuko looks up, eyes wide.

“Yes. Of course. I just need space right now.”

Sokka nods.

“D-Do you still want to be friends?”

“Yes. God, yes, of course. But I also don’t want to cause you any more pain than I have to.”

Zuko manages a small smile at that.

“Thank you, Sokka. You’re a good friend. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sokka replies.

And then he leaves Zuko’s room, shutting the door softly before rushing down the stairs.

* * *

Sokka spends the drive home in a daze. He hadn’t expected that confession from Zuko. He’d never even considered Zuko as a potential romantic interest before.

Sokka enters his house and gives Katara a brief greeting before rushing up the stairs to his room. He locks the door, collapses on his bed, and immediately starts crying.

Rejecting his best friend, the person he loves most, hurt more than anything Sokka has ever experienced before. He’s sure he cried this hard back when his mother had been murdered, but right now this feels like the most painful thing in the world.

It always felt terrible when Zuko was hurting. Sokka always wanted to take Zuko’s pain away. He wanted to hurt everyone who had ever hurt Zuko. He wanted to hold Zuko in his arms and let him know that even if he felt like the whole world was against him, Sokka wasn’t against him.

But this time Sokka’s the one who caused him pain. And Sokka can’t be the one to comfort him.

It hurts Sokka so deeply, and it hurts him more to think about how Zuko feels right now. 

Zuko has always confided in Sokka. Sokka was who he always turned to when he had a problem, who he confessed his darkest secrets to. Sokka didn’t know who Zuko would turn to now, and that scared him. 

But maybe Sokka’s wrong. Maybe he could love Zuko romantically, right? Just because he’d never considered it before doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Sokka begins reflecting on his past romantic experiences.

He thinks about Yue, the girl he’d fallen for hard and fast his freshman year of high school. He’d thought he would marry her after the first time they spoke. He couldn’t stop smiling after their first conversation and fantasizing about running his hands through her hair. He had thought she might have returned his feelings but she moved away at the end of the school year and they lost contact.

He thinks about Suki. The girl he’d been practically in love with at the end of high school. He had admired her from afar for a while, but it wasn’t until they had a class together and began talking that he realized he actually had a crush on her.

He got butterflies when their arms brushed, and found himself constantly making excuses to touch her and be close to her. When he hung out with her outside of school for the first time, just the two of them talking for hours, he felt like he was high off of their interaction. After Suki had gone home Katara had teased Sokka mercilessly for the grin he couldn’t wipe off his face. He hadn’t even cared about her teasing though, he was just so happy to have spent time with Suki. Happy to know her and be known by her. 

He remembers going to the movies with her for the first time. None of his friends had wanted to watch the film that Sokka was interested in but Suki was willing to accompany him. She’d never even seen the first movie, had in fact made comments about how stupid she thought it was, but she offered to go with after Katara had mentioned Sokka’s predicament at lunch that day. 

Suki came over to his house after school to watch the first movie with him, and then they had rushed over to the theater to watch the film. Sokka had spent the whole movie distracted, thinking about how close Suki’s arm was to his, wanting to reach out and grab her hand, wondering what she would do if he did.

Sokka had been about to confess his feelings to Suki before he left for college. His feelings had only grown as he’d gotten to know Suki better and he’d grown so close to her. However, Suki had beat him to the punch with a confession of her own.

She’d told him that she was a lesbian. She said no one else knew, that she’d thought she was bi but only recently figured out she was a lesbian. She said she’d been closeted all of high school regardless but was so happy she had figured out her truth. She said she trusted Sokka and although Sokka’s heart broke as he realized she didn’t return his feelings, he offered up his support. Hugged her and said he loved her and was always there for her. 

He told her his own confession a few weeks later, saying that he knew she didn’t return his feelings but that he needed a break to get over her and didn’t want to abandon her without explanation. 

Suki was understanding and kind, and a few months later they were talking again like nothing had happened. He had met Sokka in the meantime, but Suki was still one of his closest friends.

Zuko was Sokka’s roommate his first year of college. They had bonded while Sokka was distancing himself from Suki. They began spending all their time together. They would cook together and study in each other’s presence. It was all so domestic. 

They would stay up late confessing secrets in the dark.

Zuko told Sokka about his abusive father. About how his sister had contributed to his abuse. He told Sokka the story behind his scar. He told Sokka about his PTSD and anxiety.

He told Sokka that he’d never had any real friends before. All the people he had thought were his friends in high school had constantly made comments about his scar and poked fun at his insecurities. 

He told Sokka he was afraid he was actually incapable of love. That sometimes he worried he was barely even human. 

In return, Sokka told Zuko about his mother’s murder. He said they still didn’t know who did it, and how that still haunted Sokka all these years later. He confessed how unsafe he felt, how sometimes his paranoia still acts up. Explains that sometimes he gets out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure all the windows and doors are locked.

He told Zuko about his depression. He told him that sometimes he cuts himself, and sometimes he drinks too much, hoping it will be enough to kill him.

He tells Zuko about the pills hidden beneath his mattress at home, tucked beside a suicide note he had written his junior year of high school. 

Zuko had cried and held Sokka tight.

Sokka told Zuko all of his insecurities and all his greatest dreams. He confessed that he never felt good enough and didn’t think he was worthy of love. He said he was ashamed of his lack of romantic and sexual experience, a feeling that Zuko shared.

By the end of the school year, Zuko and Sokka were glued at the hip. Their mutual friends constantly made jokes about how they acted like a couple, to which Sokka always responded with a laugh and an exaggerated kiss to Zuko’s cheek. 

They roomed together again their sophomore year, during which Sokka developed a crush on one of the guys in his classes. He was really confused about his feelings for a while, but thanks to Suki and Zuko, he figured out that he was bisexual.

The guy Sokka had a crush on was straight, but that was okay. Sokka was content with being single. He was just happy to have figured out this part of his identity. And now he and Zuko could talk about how hot men were together as they continued to support one another and grow even closer.

That June they attended the local Pride March together. Sokka was so glad he got to celebrate with his best friend, the person who meant more to him than anyone else.

It was mid-July now, and Zuko had told Sokka that he was in love with him. And spirits, Sokka wanted to return those feelings.

He tried to think about it. 

Zuko already meant more to him than anyone else in his life. He would die for Zuko. He would kill for Zuko. He would do anything to make Zuko happy, even at his own expense. He loved taking care of Zuko and he loved making him smile. He loved spending all his time with Zuko. Whenever something happened, no matter how important or how mundane, Zuko was the first person Sokka wanted to talk to about it. 

Zuko had truly transformed Sokka’s life, just like relationships were supposed to. Zuko had made Sokka a better person, had helped him gain confidence and learn how to be vulnerable. Zuko made Sokka want to be better.

Sokka enjoyed touching Zuko. Whether they were cuddling while watching a movie, offering a small arm squeeze for comfort, or hugging each other in greeting, Sokka loved being close to Zuko. 

He enjoyed Zuko’s presence and Zuko’s touches more than anyone else’s.

But is that romantic love? Or is it just strong platonic feelings?

Sokka tried to think about kissing Zuko. Zuko was hot, for sure. And Sokka had seen him undress. He had an amazing body.

Kissing him certainly wouldn’t be a hardship. And having sex with him seemed enjoyable.

But he didn’t crave it.

His arm didn’t tingle when it brushed Zuko’s like it had back in high school when he made contact with Suki.

He didn’t get butterflies in his stomach when he thought about kissing Zuko like he had with Yue.

Of course he imagined Zuko would always be part of his future, but not as his husband.

He loved Zuko deeply. More than he’d ever cared about anyone before. But it just wasn’t in the same way he’d cared for any of the people he’d been romantically interested in in the past.

Sokka considered trying it out anyway, for Zuko’s sake. He didn’t want to risk losing Zuko if Zuko pulled away. He valued his relationship with Zuko so deeply, and not much would change if they became boyfriends. There would just be a little more kissing and some sex, all of which was fine by Sokka.

But he just didn’t want it.

Sure he craved Zuko’s presence at times. He wanted to spend all his time with Zuko.

But he didn’t crave intimacy with Zuko.

And that was a problem.

Faking it for Zuko’s sake would actually be selfish. It would be Sokka trying to salvage their relationship. But it wouldn’t be fair to Zuko.

Zuko deserved someone who loved him deeply and fully in the same way that Zuko loved Sokka. And Sokka couldn’t be that person.

He so desperately wanted to feel that way about Zuko, wanted to return the same emotions. It would be so convenient for them to be lovers, after all they were so compatible. 

But deep down Sokka knew that just wasn’t how he ever felt.

Of course there was the tiniest possibility that he could be wrong. That maybe one day he would change his mind. But that didn’t seem likely, and it wasn’t fair to Zuko to lead him on.

No, Sokka had made the right call earlier. And if this ruined their friendship, it was a sacrifice he would have to make, for Zuko’s sake.

Sokka sniffled a few more times, wiping at the tears around his eyes before drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Zuko asks Sokka not to contact him.

Sokka complies, but it’s difficult for him.

He just wants to take Zuko’s pain away.

He hates that he’s the cause of it.

Sokka mopes around and Katara let’s him after he tells her what happened.

Sokka finds himself constantly reaching for his phone to tell Zuko about some mundane thing before remembering that he can’t right now.

He spends the first day without Zuko lying in his bed. His mind spirals as he thinks about all the horrible things that could happen as a result of him rejecting Zuko.

He wishes his feelings for Zuko could just be romantic.

_Why isn’t he interested in Zuko romantically?_

Sokka hates himself for his feelings. He knows he can’t control them but he wishes he could. And he hates himself for feeling a way that causes pain for his best friend.

Sokka traces the white scars on his forearm. 

He could do something to feel better.

He could do something to punish himself.

He hurt his best friend. It’s only fair that he hurts himself in return.

But Zuko would be so upset if he knew that Sokka relapsed. Especially if he was the reason for Sokka’s relapse.

But Zuko isn’t the reason, really. Sokka is the reason. Sokka is the only one to blame. And he needs to do this. He craves it. He feels lost and scared and confused and helpless and hurt and worried and this is the only thing he can do to take back control.

He needs to do it.

He should do it.

No.

He shouldn’t do it.

Sokka leaves his room and heads downstairs to take a seat on the couch next to Katara. She takes one look at him and immediately pulls Sokka into a hug, letting him sob into her shirt. She doesn’t even complain when he covers her in snot.

* * *

Sokka starts questioning himself again.

What if he actually is in love with Zuko? What if he was wrong about his past feelings for Yue and Suki? Maybe that was just infatuation and this is real love, none of the butterflies shit?

He had learned in AP Psychology that after the honeymoon phase the intensity of a relationship fades and that’s why so many relationships end at that point. It becomes a test of compatibility.

Zuko would certainly pass that test.

But Sokka wasn’t sure if Yue or Suki would have. After all, he never got to know Yue all that well. And he wasn’t really that close to Suki at the time he was crushing on her. Maybe it was just infatuation.

Maybe his feelings for Zuko were what real love was like. Not the butterflies and intense desire but just loving someone deeply and wanting to spend your time with them. 

But that seemed wrong.

Sokka had wanted to kiss Yue and he had certainly wanted to kiss Suki. He had craved all physical intimacy with her. He had even, embarrassingly enough, had a wet dream about her once.

He didn’t feel the same way about Zuko. And he couldn’t chalk it up to the fact that they had been friends for a while before he considered Zuko romantically. He couldn’t deny that his feelings in the past for Suki and Yue were what a crush really felt like. He couldn’t deny that the fact that he didn’t experience the desire to kiss Zuko meant that his feelings for his best friend were purely platonic.

It fucking sucked. He hated it. He wished he could change it. But deep down he understood the truth. And the truth was that Sokka did not love Zuko romantically.

* * *

Zuko finally texts him five days later. 

Sokka had spent those days texting Suki and breaking into tears. He was so worried about Zuko, but Zuko had asked for space and Sokka respected that. 

Sokka immediately texted Zuko back, saying that of course he would come over, and quickly pulled on his shoes and ran out the door. 

When he made it up to Zuko’s room after being let in by Uncle Iroh, Sokka entered Zuko’s room, closing the door behind him.

Zuko was sitting on his bed, wearing one of the sweatshirts he’d stolen from Sokka and sitting with his legs crossed, hunched in on himself. 

“Hey Zuko.”

Zuko gave him a small smile and nodded when Sokka asked for permission to sit.

They sit in silence for a few minutes, not speaking and not touching. Sokka doesn’t think it’s been this awkward between them since they first moved in together freshman year.

“Part of me is hoping that in the past few days you suddenly realized that you’re actually in love with me too,” Zuko confesses quietly. 

“Trust me buddy, I was wishing for that too.” 

Zuko stares at his hands in his lap, fiddling with the sweatshirt sleeves.

“I’m so sorry that I’m not in love with you,” Sokka blurts out.

Zuko startles and looks up at Sokka.

“You don’t have to apologize. You can’t control what you feel. I’m sorry I’m ruining our friendship by developing these stupid feelings for you.”

“Hey, none of that, you can’t control your feelings any more than I can. And you haven’t ruined our friendship. You’re not going to, either. We’re way too strong to let something like this come between us.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Zuko says, taking a deep breath. “Thank you.”

Sokka reaches out with his hand, resting it palm up in the space between us. Zuko looks at it for a moment before reaching out to take it. Sokka smiles a bit at that. _We’re gonna be okay._

“I love you,” Sokka says, finally breaking the silence.

“I love you too.”

They both surge forward at the same time, wrapping their arms around each other and falling against Zuko’s pillow. They lay there for a while, Sokka stroking his fingers through Zuko’s hair like he does whenever Zuko has a nightmare. 

“I’ve always felt like a creep for liking that your sweatshirt still smells like you,” Zuko whispers at some point.

“That’s not creepy, it’s sweet.”

“I wish you thought things like that about me.”

“I do too,” Sokka whispers back.

Eventually they readjust their positions, Sokka moving to lay on his back as Zuko rests his head on Sokka’s shoulder, arm draped across his body.

“When did you develop feelings for me?” Sokka asks. 

“Well I thought you were insanely hot when I first saw you in our dorm room freshman year.”

“Is that why you walked straight into the dresser when we first met?” Sokka asks, laughing as Zuko nods.

“After your reaction to me telling you about my scar,” Zuko says as Sokka sucks in a breath, “I thought maybe I had a crush on you. But you were straight, and I didn’t want to like someone who couldn’t like me back.” 

Sokka gulps at the last sentence, but then reaches up to brush a finger against Zuko’s scar. Zuko closes his eyes at the contact.

“I hate what he did to you,” Sokka whispers.

“I know.” 

Sokka removes his hand and Zuko opens his eyes again before continuing.

“After you told me you thought you had feelings for a guy I went crazy. I could no longer push down my feelings and realized that I was totally in love with you. I had hoped your realization that you were bisexual meant you’d realize you had feelings for me too but…” 

Sokka squeezes Zuko tightly, and Zuko takes a deep breath.

They lay together until Uncle Iroh calls them down for dinner.

Zuko asks Sokka to spend the night and Sokka agrees happily. 

They go about their usual routine, but as Sokka changes his shirt he catches Zuko staring at his body. When Zuko sees that Sokka noticed he freezes, body going rigid. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Sokka replies, taking a step forward to hug Zuko.  
Zuko flinches.

“Please don’t touch me while you’re shirtless. I can’t handle that.”

“Okay,” Sokka says quietly. “I’m proud of you for setting boundaries.”

Zuko gives him a strained smile and Sokka turns around to finish changing. 

They crawl into bed together and Zuko turns on some music. It only takes a few songs for Sokka to realize it’s the playlist he had made for Zuko. Sokka loved making playlists for his friends. As he listens to the songs, Zuko laying next to him, Sokka realizes that he added several MLM songs to the playlist. He had meant for them to be supportive, but he realizes now they may have come across differently. 

Sokka feels tears in his eyes as he wishes desperately that he felt about Zuko the same way Troye Sivan felt toward the boy he was singing about.

“I’m sorry if I did anything to lead you on. I never meant to,” Sokka whispers.

“It’s fine. You didn’t know.”

“I know. But I still feel bad.”

They lay in silence for a few more minutes before Zuko speaks again.

“I’m sorry if me being attracted to you makes you uncomfortable.”

“It doesn’t.”

“You don’t have to lie to save my feelings.”

“I’m not lying, Zuko. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I love you far too deeply for that. I don’t think society really acknowledges how much you can care for someone in a purely platonic way but I do. Care for you a lot, I mean. And I wish I cared for you in the same way you care for me.” 

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know. But it sucks that I don’t feel the same way. I mean, it would be so convenient to be in love with you. We’re so compatible. We’re perfect for each other.”

“Maybe. But sometimes the logical pairing just doesn’t work. Sometimes we just don’t find other people attractive,” Zuko says.

He rolls onto his side then, back to Sokka.

“Hey, I think you’re attractive.”

Zuko snorts.

“I’m serious. I always thought your scar was insanely sexy, even before I knew I was into guys.”

“Shut up, Sokka!” Zuko’s voice comes out high pitched and he covers his face with his arms.

“And don’t even get me started on your abs. Seriously Zuko, they’re so unfair. I want to lick them.”

“Oh my spirits!”

“And you’re so special to me. It would make sense for me to have romantic feelings for you. I want to and I try to but I just… don’t.”

Zuko rolls onto his back, staring at the ceiling as he responds.

“It’s so unfair. It feels like the universe is out to get us.”

“Agni hates the gays,” Sokka replies.

Zuko barks out a laugh at that, finally turning his head to face Sokka again.

“I love you so much,” Zuko whispers in the dark. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me. Not unless you decide you want to. I promise Zuko, I’ll do whatever you need to help you through this. I love you.”

“Thank you, Sokka.”

They listen as the next song comes to an end.

“So are you gonna compliment my muscles too?” Sokka asks.

“Shut the hell up, Sokka. I can’t believe I’m in love with you.”

Sokka laughs and Zuko smiles at him softly. They fall asleep curled up together.

* * *

Sometimes there are bad days. 

Zuko asks Sokka not to touch him. Or not to text him. He tells Sokka that certain compliments aren’t allowed anymore.

Other days when Zuko is struggling, he needs Sokka even more. When dealing with heartbreak, you need the support of your best friend. And that’s true even when your best friend is the cause of that heartbreak.

On those days Sokka holds Zuko close, telling him that one day Zuko will find someone who adores him as much as he deserves to be adored. 

Today is one of the more normal days. They’re sitting next to each other on the couch. Close enough that their arms are brushing, but not so close that Zuko is overwhelmed. They’re playing Super Smash Bros and yelling at each other and the CPUs as they fight to win. 

As Sokka’s character loses his last life he leans back to watch Zuko play. They’ve already made it through the hardest part. Zuko has been so strong and incredible, asking for help or space when he needed it.

It’s been hard for Sokka to back off, to readjust how he interacts with his best friend. But he would do absolutely anything for Zuko, even if it hurts. And it could never hurt as much as the pain Zuko must be feeling.

There are bad days where Sokka feels helpless and bad days where Sokka is happy to give Zuko his support.

There are good days where Zuko is more open to compliments and physical contact with Sokka.

But mostly there are days like today. Days where they just have fun together, enjoying each other’s company. They’re comfortable with each other even as they navigate this new terrain, and Sokka feels good.

He trusts that one day they will both find people they fall in love with who love them back. They’ll both experience the kind of relationship they deserve, and they’ll happily support one another through it all.

It’s still hard now, but it will get better. They’re gonna make it. Their love is too deep to let anything ruin it.

 _Yeah,_ Sokka thinks, watching Zuko grin as he kicks another CPU off the platform, _we’re gonna be okay._

**Author's Note:**

> I drew a lot of inspiration from my personal life for this fic. Sorry for the angst but I'm going through it right now.


End file.
